Monday, June 17, 2013

What happened?

My goal was to write a post a day.  Really?  What happened?  I'd like to say life but it really is just me needing to make me a priority.  I need to write.  I'm not saying I'm good at it but I need to be able to release some of the feelings on "paper" so that they don't erupt in other areas. 

So, where was I?

A little fierce.  Right.

As I sit here listening to my 2.5 year old cry, "Mommy" because my 4 year old did something insignificant as take away the dump truck, that fierceness for life drains out of me.  I just negotiated the settlement though so peace envelopes us all, for at least the next 5 minutes.

So, I need to start writing more so that I don't wind up taking certain emotions out on my children.  Resentment comes to mind a lot.  Oh don't get me wrong, I love and adore my children and would do anything for them.  I feel fortunate that I can stay at home with them as my Mom did with me.  But,  I do resent them on some level though.  I think all Mom's do on some level.  It's not a bad thing, I think it's just a human thing. 

I resent them that I don't have my freedom that I once had. 
I resent them because I gave up working for them. 
I resent them because I haven't been on a vacation with just my husband in over 5 years. 

So with them, I become a little fierce.  And not in a good way fierce.  So, I need to channel that more.  And so I write.

I had been told for years that I would be this amazing mother.  That I have this natural ability with kids.  I've come to realize that I do seem to be great...with other people's children.  With mine, I'm not that great.  Sure, we're our own worst critic and to everyone else, I'm still doing a bang up job.  But there is definitely room for major improvement. 

I yell too much.

Because no one listens until I yell.  It's a vicious circle.  They don't listen. I yell. They listen.  But had I not started yelling and had some patience would they respond to something other than yelling?  I get tired of repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating myself.

Annoying, isn't it? 

Doing that a gazillion times a day over the same things day in and day out can wear on a person.  And so I yell.  Because then things get done.  But I need to stop.  It's not healthy for anyone.  But will they listen?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Shakespeare said that.

My daughter received a shirt that says, "And thou she be but little, she is fierce."  From Shakespeare.  A Midsummer Night's Dream to be exact.  I remember reading that back in high school and thinking it applied to me.  I've been 5'1" since I was 13 so I think I qualify.  But where has that fierceness gone?  Two small children and turning 40 in a couple of months and I'm not sure I'm fierce anymore.  But I'm trying.  I guess that's the best I can do.  Most days I've overwhelmed and angry or annoyed or frustrated or sleep deprived or...  On my best days, I am the mother that I want to be every day.  I am kind, loving, I do not scream at my children so that they will actually listen to me, I am the Mom that people say, "Wow, look at her, she's got her shit together."  But, like the big moon that's coming in August, it's a rarity.  Most days I'm screaming at my kids so much that I wonder how my neighbors still talk to me.  Sure, they're 18 months apart and are 2.5 and 4 but shouldn't I, as an almost 40 year old, have more patience?  I have been told over the years that I am a very patient person.  Where did that patient person go?  Is she hiding with the fierce woman that I used to be or is she cowering in the corner because she just got yelled at by her mother?  So, I'm trying to channel my energy into other things.  Things that are good for my soul.  Things that make me happy, and patient, and hopefully, fierce.