My goal was to write a post a day. Really? What happened? I'd like to say life but it really is just me needing to make me a priority. I need to write. I'm not saying I'm good at it but I need to be able to release some of the feelings on "paper" so that they don't erupt in other areas.
So, where was I?
A little fierce. Right.
As I sit here listening to my 2.5 year old cry, "Mommy" because my 4 year old did something insignificant as take away the dump truck, that fierceness for life drains out of me. I just negotiated the settlement though so peace envelopes us all, for at least the next 5 minutes.
So, I need to start writing more so that I don't wind up taking certain emotions out on my children. Resentment comes to mind a lot. Oh don't get me wrong, I love and adore my children and would do anything for them. I feel fortunate that I can stay at home with them as my Mom did with me. But, I do resent them on some level though. I think all Mom's do on some level. It's not a bad thing, I think it's just a human thing.
I resent them that I don't have my freedom that I once had.
I resent them because I gave up working for them.
I resent them because I haven't been on a vacation with just my husband in over 5 years.
So with them, I become a little fierce. And not in a good way fierce. So, I need to channel that more. And so I write.
I had been told for years that I would be this amazing mother. That I have this natural ability with kids. I've come to realize that I do seem to be great...with other people's children. With mine, I'm not that great. Sure, we're our own worst critic and to everyone else, I'm still doing a bang up job. But there is definitely room for major improvement.
I yell too much.
Because no one listens until I yell. It's a vicious circle. They don't listen. I yell. They listen. But had I not started yelling and had some patience would they respond to something other than yelling? I get tired of repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating myself.
Annoying, isn't it?
Doing that a gazillion times a day over the same things day in and day out can wear on a person. And so I yell. Because then things get done. But I need to stop. It's not healthy for anyone. But will they listen?