Monday, June 17, 2013

What happened?

My goal was to write a post a day.  Really?  What happened?  I'd like to say life but it really is just me needing to make me a priority.  I need to write.  I'm not saying I'm good at it but I need to be able to release some of the feelings on "paper" so that they don't erupt in other areas. 

So, where was I?

A little fierce.  Right.

As I sit here listening to my 2.5 year old cry, "Mommy" because my 4 year old did something insignificant as take away the dump truck, that fierceness for life drains out of me.  I just negotiated the settlement though so peace envelopes us all, for at least the next 5 minutes.

So, I need to start writing more so that I don't wind up taking certain emotions out on my children.  Resentment comes to mind a lot.  Oh don't get me wrong, I love and adore my children and would do anything for them.  I feel fortunate that I can stay at home with them as my Mom did with me.  But,  I do resent them on some level though.  I think all Mom's do on some level.  It's not a bad thing, I think it's just a human thing. 

I resent them that I don't have my freedom that I once had. 
I resent them because I gave up working for them. 
I resent them because I haven't been on a vacation with just my husband in over 5 years. 

So with them, I become a little fierce.  And not in a good way fierce.  So, I need to channel that more.  And so I write.

I had been told for years that I would be this amazing mother.  That I have this natural ability with kids.  I've come to realize that I do seem to be great...with other people's children.  With mine, I'm not that great.  Sure, we're our own worst critic and to everyone else, I'm still doing a bang up job.  But there is definitely room for major improvement. 

I yell too much.

Because no one listens until I yell.  It's a vicious circle.  They don't listen. I yell. They listen.  But had I not started yelling and had some patience would they respond to something other than yelling?  I get tired of repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating myself.

Annoying, isn't it? 

Doing that a gazillion times a day over the same things day in and day out can wear on a person.  And so I yell.  Because then things get done.  But I need to stop.  It's not healthy for anyone.  But will they listen?

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